Letters from Sea

I never knew that a boy that I use to be in love with would want to hurt me and make me hate myself so much…

All I’ve tried to do was move on and get over him so what does he expect when that’s what he wanted me to do? I don’t understand his logic at all… 

I’m a very loyal boyfriend and just because I’m overly sexual doesn’t mean that I’m not.

he would never drink but did, who said that if I ever drank or smoked weed that he would dump me no matter how much he loved me, who said that he hated beer and would never drink it but did, who said that he was suffocated by my affection and didn’t want anyone else but went and found someone anyway, to the boy who said that he would never give up on me but then found a reason to, who said that I was special but forgot me, who said that my kisses and body were like home to him but found someone new, who said that he could see us grow old together but left me behind, who said that he would never abuse me like my father did but he ended up hitting me, who said that no matter what he wanted to always be there for me but turned his back, who said that he would support me but then didn’t when it came to photography, to the boy that asked me to marry him but then dumped me three times, to the boy that said he would love me no matter how far away I was but never knew how to love himself.

To you I say that I pity you and feel sorry for you. In the end I hope you can live with yourself.

It was basically just Matt, one of his friends, and myself playing some board game and as usually he was texting and on tumblr the whole time and pretty much ignoring me. I was trying to be nice and have fun and get us all to laugh and have a good time but just keep ignoring me or giving me dirty looks. Even in my dreams he’s still vindictive and selfish *sigh*

Anyway… Time to play Batman or Assassin’s Creed! 

But idk what to do… Do I go or should I just forget about the tickets. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic because I keep thinking that if he saw me in person then maybe his eyes would open and realize how much he still cares about me. FUCK! What do I do? :(

My mind has been going non stop trying to wrap itself around around my studies and my personal life. I just want it all to sink in so that I can understand something for once. But instead I feel more lost than ever. I don’t understand what it is I have to be doing for my classes and I don’t understand how my life and my relationships with everyone has gotten to this. I just keep over-analyzing everything and playing things over and over and over again in my head. My heart feels heavier than ever. I just want time to stop… or something to stop. I wish I had the right words to express my emotions right now but I’m a mess and I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get better.

You’re so sad, you have no idea who you are, what you want, you’re too ironic that it’s painful to look at, and you’re a pitiful mess. I’m so thankful that I don’t dream about you anymore. I must admit that I still miss you but I deserve so much better than what you gave me, and I feel bad for any guys that want to be with you. They have no idea of what kind of man eater you are.

I had another dream about you last night.. it was such a fucked up dream and at one point you were raping me and I kept telling you to stop and you wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I think the worst part about being raped by you was that even though I was yelling stop, I secretly wanted you to keep going in my head. What the FUCK is wrong with me… *sigh* 

You have taken so much and you are not taking Howl’s Moving Castle from me! 

But as of yesterday, because it was “his” day (his birthday), he couldn’t be bothered and wanted me to stop texting him. I care and love him so much even though he doesn’t care about me. Everything he has said is a slap in the face. How can he say he hasn’t felt special within the last 1.5 to 2 years when all I did was give my heart to him. That’s like saying I never did enough. It’s a slap in the face when he starts venting about how he hates his body and I tell him he looks amazing and that I loved his perfections and his flaws but then goes to Tumblr and posts topless pics to get reassured from other guys on how he looked, as if what I said didn’t matter and wasn’t enough. It’s a slap in the face for Matt to say that he spent all this money and did all this stuff for me within the last 3 months of our relationship and that it’s okay for him to bring up the past like that. However, he would never let me bring up the past to counter his argument, I could never bring up the sacrifices I made within the last 3 years; giving up family, friends, jobs, money, personal space, education. It’s all such a slap in the face for him to be such a controlling, selfish, hypocrite, and yet I still love him… Every time he would break up with me I would fight so hard for him and he would ignore me and yet when he came crawling back I would welcome him with open arms. I guess this time I can’t do that (although who knows he probably doesn’t give a fuck to even give a second thought about me or wanting to be back in my life so why kid myself). *sigh* I just want to be happy again.  

Just seeing someone repost his stuff or photos of him makes me what to cry… WTF is wrong with me today???