Matt Eagle
The Notebook…
My Dearest Allie,
I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you.
-Noah
I think this perfectly describes my feelings for Matthew, and what I’ve been feeling and experiencing quietly by myself for a while.
So Kody just left after we spend 4 days with each other
So I just went to Matt’s blog
You turned your back on tomorrow
‘Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.
You can’t expect me to be fine,
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down..
I’ve wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise
I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.
Now I’m at a payphone…
I’ve been tossing and turning for hours
I know that I’ve been talking a lot about Matt lately and it’s stupid to, especially when I know he will never give me a second chance. All I ever did was love him. And yet… I’m the one that is getting hurt and left behind. I just don’t get it. There are so many things that hurt about him breaking up with me that I just don’t know how to react anymore. After we broke up I tried to talk to him several times and each time I did he seemed to want me back but then said that he liked being single and that I was soffocating him, but then right after that he starts dating someone else. I just feel like such shit anymore. I try to be optimistic but it’s just so fucking hard. I know that other people go through this kind of stuff all the time and I’m not special, but it’s just so hard to deal with the fact that the one person that I loved and opened up to and who I thought would always be there for me and I be there for them that it just doesn’t feel right knowing that he’s with someone else and not me. None of this feels right and I don’t understand how this feels right to him… I know it’s stupid but I probably won’t get over this for quite some time just because that’s how my personality is, but maybe one day I’ll be ok and be able to go at least one day without thinking of him…
Sometimes I think about how I’ll never get to share with you things that I get excited about. But then I remember, Matt, that you never cared when I got excited for things. I was always put second or put far below the other things that were more important to you like your blog, your photography, your friends, your pokemon, food, your this and your that. Why do I still even think about you?
The only way to stop myself from looking at Matt’s tumblr is whenever I get the urge to view it I shut my laptop. It sucks but it’s the only way I can do it anymore…
Shutting my laptop now.
My ex always restricted me from talking about my feelings while he held in his and kept secrets from me. It’s always a breath of fresh air when I talk to a guy that actually has feelings and likes to be honest and up front about shit with no drama involved.
You still haunt me no matter how much I try to deny it
I wish I could just cut out my heart and mail it to you so that you could see first hand the kind of scars you inflicted on it. However, you deny me, yourself, and your feelings, and nothing you do will ever fill that empty hole inside you as long as you ignore me.
To the boy who said…
he would never drink but did, who said that if I ever drank or smoked weed that he would dump me no matter how much he loved me, who said that he hated beer and would never drink it but did, who said that he was suffocated by my affection and didn’t want anyone else but went and found someone anyway, to the boy who said that he would never give up on me but then found a reason to, who said that I was special but forgot me, who said that my kisses and body were like home to him but found someone new, who said that he could see us grow old together but left me behind, who said that he would never abuse me like my father did but he ended up hitting me, who said that no matter what he wanted to always be there for me but turned his back, who said that he would support me but then didn’t when it came to photography, to the boy that asked me to marry him but then dumped me three times, to the boy that said he would love me no matter how far away I was but never knew how to love himself.
To you I say that I pity you and feel sorry for you. In the end I hope you can live with yourself.
